Proctered and Gambled

I have fierce brand loyalty where toiletries are concerned. Though Mrs. Gerbil thinks I am unnecessarily finicky about such things, I simply will not settle for store-brand skin care, dental care, or feminine hygiene products. But for all my desire to cut costs wherever and whenever possible, I am a creature of habit, and a lot of times the store brand just isn't the same.

A lot of my favorite toiletries are made by Procter and Gamble, and I've been using the same P&G products since high school (i.e., half my life). Consistency may be the hobgoblin of little minds, but for me it's a source of warmth and fuzziness. So if my beloved products aren't up to snuff, you bet your bippy I'll be upset. And what do I do when I'm upset? I rectify stuff.

Many moons ago, I called P&G about cat food cans that wouldn't open, and for my troubles I (or rather, the cat) was rewarded with eighteen vouchers, each good for one free case of cat food. That is a whole freaking lot of cat food.

Several weeks ago I restocked our supply of nice, lotiony Puffs tissues. Tissues with lotion in them aren't good for wiping up spills or cleaning one's glasses, but they sure are good for protecting my sensitive little schnozz. Imagine my unpleasant surprise when I discovered that one of the boxes was full of coarse tissues! The P&G representative asked whether the tissues contained the proper amount of lotion, "because sometimes the lotion doesn't get on them." Oh, they were lotiony, all right. And mysteriously scratchy. For my troubles, P&G sent me a voucher for three replacement boxes of Puffs.

Recently I bought some more of my favorite unscented Secret deodorant. At about the same time, I noticed the smell of tropical fruit every time I went to nurse Tovah. None of us uses any products that smell like tropical fruit, so I was completely at a loss for whence this smell was coming. Then one morning I figured it out: it was my supposedly unscented Secret. WTF? (At least it wasn't phantom chai.) My sensitive little schnozz did not appreciate the bait and switch, but I feared I might get myself blacklisted with P&G's customer service. I know I'm in their computer system, because despite my careful spelling-out of my name each time I call, they always address mail to me with the same misspelling.

Not surprisingly, my need to rectify things won out, and I called P&G about my disturbingly fruity unscented deodorant. The representative was all apologetic, especially when I alluded to my sensitive little schnozz.

Well, today I received my replacement vouchers, with a predictably misspelled address label. I'm pretty certain I've been blacklisted. P&G thanked me for being a valued customer by enclosing a sample of heavily scented laundry detergent.