Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I do, but you don't.

I am a freak.

No, really, I am. I find Harry Potter vapid. I have no desire to read The Da Vinci Code, The Bridges of Madison County, or anything by Steven Covey. I have never seen Desperate Housewives, The Sopranos, or Sex in the City, nor do I plan to anytime soon. I idolized Simon and Garfunkel in my youth while my peers drooled over the New Kids on the Block. I find most romantic comedies so formulaic as to be unwatchable. I think Brad Pitt is funny-looking. Okay, fine, I don't like boys, and neither does my wife, really. That's why we got married. In the spirit of equality, I also think Angelina Jolie is funny-looking.

And I find Queer Eye for the Straight Guy completely and utterly tasteless. I have, indeed, seen a few episodes of this one. I thought it was offensive before I watched it, and I still think it's offensive. At its core, the show is based on the following little syllogism:

  1. All straight men are slobs.
  2. No straight man should be a slob.
  3. Therefore, all straight men should be cured of their slobbiness.
  4. Slobs can only be cured by non-slobs.
  5. Therefore, all straight men must be cured of their slobbiness by non-slobs.
  6. No gay man is a slob.
  7. Therefore, straight men can only be cured of their slobbiness by gay men.
  8. Slobby straight men are always good entertainment.
  9. Gay men are always good entertainment.
  10. Therefore, gay men curing slobby straight men is even better entertainment.

Besides being illogical, this is just plain dumb. I know plenty of slobby gay men and obsessively non-slobby straight men. In effect, Queer Eye only reinforces the notion that gay people exist only to help straight people be better people.

Now, the logical extension of the above is a huge steaming cesspool of irony: If straight men are inherently slobs and gay men are inherently non-slobs, then straight men can't be non-slobs! In other words, those Straight Guys must become more gay!!!!

Ha! Take THAT, homophobic assimilators!!!!

I do not, however, appreciate the irony of Queer Eye for the Engaged Guy. This, I think, is the epitome of offensive television masquerading as wholesome entertainment. In this great land of opportunity, gay people can't enjoy the full benefits of marriage. Sure, gay Americans can get married in Massachusetts and a handful of foreign countries. I married the most beautiful woman in the world three months ago, but Dubya's Crusaders want to make sure our party is permanently, Constitutionally spoiled.

According to the Queer Eye FAQ, only guys from the New York Tri-State area are eligible for de-slobbing. Neither Connecticut nor New Jersey allows same-sex marriage. New York only recognizes same-sex marriages performed outside of New York. In essence, gay guys get to help straight guys be less straight (see above) in order to get married in places where gay weddings are prohibited.

Indeed, in most corners of the world, same-sex relationships have no legal standing. We get harassed, assaulted, and killed because of who we are and who we love. Some of us may go our entire lives without ever enjoying the benefits of real, honest-to-God marriage, much less those of societal acceptance.

My wife and I planned our own wedding, and it was completely fabulous. We'll help straight people plan theirs, too... as soon as we can declare the proceeds on a joint federal tax return.

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